And now it has been one year since I had the baclofen pump placed! This last year has been unbelievable in so many ways. I have learned a lot about myself and my perspective has changed. I am so grateful for things that I used to take for granted. I see something beautiful and I thank God for the ability to see it. I hear my child giggling and I thank God for the ability to hear her. I can apply this to everything in my life because I know what it is like to lose a seemingly simple ability- the ability to walk.
My days are spent without a schedule outside my home. I am amazed that in spite of that, time continues to speed by! Friday comes around and I think, "already?!". I've got projects that keep me busy and frustrated, which I am grateful for. Yes, even the busy work is a blessing! All in all, I am doing okay. Life is good.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
April 19th
I wonder if I will ever get through the entire day on April 19th without remembering that it's my anniversary of receiving the diagnosis of MS. It was 6:30 in the evening when I realized the significance of this day. I had a nagging feeling all day that there was something about the 19th...
After a brief moment of reflection about that aweful day, I ended it with a "hmpf". I think this is how the last couple years have gone. No more tears over it. I certainly don't celebrate it. Tonight I made a meatloaf.
After a brief moment of reflection about that aweful day, I ended it with a "hmpf". I think this is how the last couple years have gone. No more tears over it. I certainly don't celebrate it. Tonight I made a meatloaf.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Wheelchair Hikers
"Figure out what you want to do and then worry about the details later. The details can always be worked out one way or another."
This statement hit me because it is the complete opposite of how I have to go about my day. For me, I wake up with X amount of energy and I have to choose my activities with that amount in mind. I can do two or three activities that use less energy like wash and dry a load of laundry. Or I can do one activity that uses all my energy like get in the car and visit someone.
But the statement speaks to me. It says- stay in faith, set your goal and go. Don't worry that you can't see the path, it will pave itself along the way.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Dreams
It has been a long time since my last post I know. I have written a couple and they're sitting on the dashboard in draft mode. That means I typed them but then didn't publish. I read them and think "too whiney". So they sit.
What's new? Nothing really. My little girl is 2 1/2 and pretty much the center of my universe. Her personality comes through a little more each day and she is quite the delightful mix of stubborn, silly, hysterical, loving, and tyrannical. She keeps me on my proverbial toes. Her mind is a sponge and it is just too cool to watch her develop intellectually. I've got a smart cookie on my hands!
Emotionally I have come a long way. Not being able to return to work was a punch to the gut that continues to ache. With time it's getting better. The idea of it is feeling more normal. When I am asked any questions about my employment, rather than struggle with how to answer, I now say that I'm a stay-at-home mom. Seems simple enough, just entirely disingenuous as that was more an outcome than an objective. But it works. It sure tastes sweeter coming out of my mouth than "I'm disabled and had to leave my job". It's all about perspective.
But I have the dreams. Each one is slightly different but the theme is the same. It's my first shift back to work after being gone for a long time. I know a lot of the nurses there but there are a lot of new nurses who don't give me second notice. The older ones seem happy to see me and I know I'm being watched behind my back. I'm moving well. I walk quickly, effortlessly, gracefully. I'm standing and not needing to sit down all the time. I'm thinking to myself, "this is great!" and "I shouldn't be able to do this!". I am a bit disorganized and out of rhythm but I'm okay with that because I've been gone for so long. "I'll be back up to speed in no time" I tell my self confidently. I reach the end of my shift and I am tired but feeling good. A little overwhelmed but glad to be back. Ready to go home and refuel but eager to return the next day.
I was reflecting on these dreams the other day and of course I got emotional. It's not fair. Well duh. I angrily wished I wasn't having the dreams because in the light of "moving on" it seems like cruel irony. But I retracted the wish right away. How would I feel if I stopped having the dreams? Or worse, if in my dreams I'm in the wheelchair. So far, in all my dreams I am mobile. I am able to do things in my dreams that in reality are impossible for me. My dreams are a chance to feel normal and to feel free from my body. Therein lies the power of our minds.
I'm working on finding my place again. Being a stay-at-home mom is awesome! I continue to find little clues along the way that God's got this one. He's not going to leave me dangling; feeling like the rugs been pulled out from under me for good. It's all covered in the Master's plan, I just need to keep the faith and my eyes open.
What's new? Nothing really. My little girl is 2 1/2 and pretty much the center of my universe. Her personality comes through a little more each day and she is quite the delightful mix of stubborn, silly, hysterical, loving, and tyrannical. She keeps me on my proverbial toes. Her mind is a sponge and it is just too cool to watch her develop intellectually. I've got a smart cookie on my hands!
Emotionally I have come a long way. Not being able to return to work was a punch to the gut that continues to ache. With time it's getting better. The idea of it is feeling more normal. When I am asked any questions about my employment, rather than struggle with how to answer, I now say that I'm a stay-at-home mom. Seems simple enough, just entirely disingenuous as that was more an outcome than an objective. But it works. It sure tastes sweeter coming out of my mouth than "I'm disabled and had to leave my job". It's all about perspective.
But I have the dreams. Each one is slightly different but the theme is the same. It's my first shift back to work after being gone for a long time. I know a lot of the nurses there but there are a lot of new nurses who don't give me second notice. The older ones seem happy to see me and I know I'm being watched behind my back. I'm moving well. I walk quickly, effortlessly, gracefully. I'm standing and not needing to sit down all the time. I'm thinking to myself, "this is great!" and "I shouldn't be able to do this!". I am a bit disorganized and out of rhythm but I'm okay with that because I've been gone for so long. "I'll be back up to speed in no time" I tell my self confidently. I reach the end of my shift and I am tired but feeling good. A little overwhelmed but glad to be back. Ready to go home and refuel but eager to return the next day.
I was reflecting on these dreams the other day and of course I got emotional. It's not fair. Well duh. I angrily wished I wasn't having the dreams because in the light of "moving on" it seems like cruel irony. But I retracted the wish right away. How would I feel if I stopped having the dreams? Or worse, if in my dreams I'm in the wheelchair. So far, in all my dreams I am mobile. I am able to do things in my dreams that in reality are impossible for me. My dreams are a chance to feel normal and to feel free from my body. Therein lies the power of our minds.
I'm working on finding my place again. Being a stay-at-home mom is awesome! I continue to find little clues along the way that God's got this one. He's not going to leave me dangling; feeling like the rugs been pulled out from under me for good. It's all covered in the Master's plan, I just need to keep the faith and my eyes open.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)