It has been a long time since my last post I know. I have written a couple and they're sitting on the dashboard in draft mode. That means I typed them but then didn't publish. I read them and think "too whiney". So they sit.
What's new? Nothing really. My little girl is 2 1/2 and pretty much the center of my universe. Her personality comes through a little more each day and she is quite the delightful mix of stubborn, silly, hysterical, loving, and tyrannical. She keeps me on my proverbial toes. Her mind is a sponge and it is just too cool to watch her develop intellectually. I've got a smart cookie on my hands!
Emotionally I have come a long way. Not being able to return to work was a punch to the gut that continues to ache. With time it's getting better. The idea of it is feeling more normal. When I am asked any questions about my employment, rather than struggle with how to answer, I now say that I'm a stay-at-home mom. Seems simple enough, just entirely disingenuous as that was more an outcome than an objective. But it works. It sure tastes sweeter coming out of my mouth than "I'm disabled and had to leave my job". It's all about perspective.
But I have the dreams. Each one is slightly different but the theme is the same. It's my first shift back to work after being gone for a long time. I know a lot of the nurses there but there are a lot of new nurses who don't give me second notice. The older ones seem happy to see me and I know I'm being watched behind my back. I'm moving well. I walk quickly, effortlessly, gracefully. I'm standing and not needing to sit down all the time. I'm thinking to myself, "this is great!" and "I shouldn't be able to do this!". I am a bit disorganized and out of rhythm but I'm okay with that because I've been gone for so long. "I'll be back up to speed in no time" I tell my self confidently. I reach the end of my shift and I am tired but feeling good. A little overwhelmed but glad to be back. Ready to go home and refuel but eager to return the next day.
I was reflecting on these dreams the other day and of course I got emotional. It's not fair. Well duh. I angrily wished I wasn't having the dreams because in the light of "moving on" it seems like cruel irony. But I retracted the wish right away. How would I feel if I stopped having the dreams? Or worse, if in my dreams I'm in the wheelchair. So far, in all my dreams I am mobile. I am able to do things in my dreams that in reality are impossible for me. My dreams are a chance to feel normal and to feel free from my body. Therein lies the power of our minds.
I'm working on finding my place again. Being a stay-at-home mom is awesome! I continue to find little clues along the way that God's got this one. He's not going to leave me dangling; feeling like the rugs been pulled out from under me for good. It's all covered in the Master's plan, I just need to keep the faith and my eyes open.
