My Future Self

I like to think about what it would be like to go back in time.  Specifically, what I would tell myself 8 years ago to do differently.  What if I could go back to the time I was newly diagnosed and say to myself "see what's in store for you?" and go over the laundry list of things I should do and not do and plan for.

I get angry at myself when I go over the laundry list in my mind.  Things like "if I had known" and "I should have been smarter" and "if only I had...".  I do not get any therapy from this blame game and I always come away feeling hurt.  Each time I fall into this destructive pattern of wouldhave/couldhave talk, I conclude with "it's no use living in the past, I just have to move on".

Then I transition to thinking about the future.  What is in store for me down the road?  My mind takes me down dark alleys of a progressively worsening disease.  I can't even bear to put these thoughts into type.  I pull myself out, again, with "it's no use worrying about the future, I just have to move on".

Tonight something happened as I found myself mad about the past and stressing about the future.  Something grabbed me and said;

"What would your future self tell you to do right now?".

I paused and started choking up as I admitted the following:  My future self would tell me to live.  Live my life and enjoy the simple things.  Enjoy my husband.  Enjoy my children.  Soak up every moment I spend with them.  Watch them smile and laugh and be silly.  Stop worrying about the things that cannot be changed.  Stop worrying about a future that will be what it will be.

I hope my future self will visit me often.  This conversation tonight was good therapy.